Why is the thing Pink?
by Commisar Cypher
Summary: A Rag-Tag Crew of a Stormhammer tank wind up in Vale during the breach. What is going on? who are these people? why do they consort with Xenos? is that a Scythe? many shenanigans and explosions, Follow people as they explore what makes them human, and find out why we all wanna drive a giant pink tank.
1. Prologue

_Prologue_

Army Group Secundus primary camp

"What color should I paint this no-"Colonel Nicholai "Boss" Stukov was suddenly face first in the grass. "DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE PAINT THE SQUIRREL!" a very angry voice yelled in his ear, this was the fourth time this happened since they were issued the Stormhammer class Superheavy-tank three months ago, so he didn't need to wonder who the voice belonged to. Lieutenant Marcus "Cypher" Von Jameson punched Boss in the stomach, "look here you little shit, you may be tankcom, but I'm driving this slab o' Adamantium, so I get the paint and you shut the hell up!" Cypher said, his infamous anger coming full circle to passive calm. "Cypher… we have the biggest tank on this backwater planet, and the first thing you do is… paint it bubblegum pink… why?" Boss asked, looking around for Seanight, hoping that he can back him up, but like always, when Cypher was mad he seemed to disappear. Cypher rounded on Boss, "It makes us stealthy", he deadpanned. Boss tried very hard to understand the lieutenant's thought process, it was a widely accepted rumor that Cypher was insane. But Boss found out that wasn't the case, Cypher just had a… _unique_ … mind due to his experiences. "Do tell how you figure that" Boss said, giving up on the mental problem. "Ever see a pink tank?" Cypher asked, seriously. "No", Boss said, wondering where this was going. "EXACTLY" Cypher yelled, jumping into the Driver's Hatch, "They'll never see it coming!" Boss Face-palmed, "okay, right, whatever, sure, I give up, where are the other assholes?" he asked the 24 year old tank driver. Cypher's head popped out of the hatch, his usual energy and happy-go-lucky attitude gone, the dark bags under his eyes showing more than normal, "they're still at the grave… Sil'… he can't get over the fact that Volatile's gone… he was a good kid, he didn't deserve to die like that. And Seanight went to gauge the replacements" Boss nodded, Cypher was talking about their gun loader Rick "Volatile" Mendoza, now buried on some backwater planet because of a sniper, "They'll be back eventually then", Boss said, climbing through the Tank Commander's hatch.

Second Lieutenant Tyler "Slendy" Mann stood next to a crying warrant officer. He knew that they should get back to the tank, it's not hard to miss Cypher's yelling but the warrant officer, Eddy "Silver" Mendoza, had just lost his brother. A brother, who was proud to have him on the crew. A brother who bled out in the young 20 year old's arms. Slendy had to shake himself to get the dark thoughts away. "Sil', look, we gotta get back" Slendy said. Silver nodded and began to walk back to the tank, sobbing silently to himself. Slendy saluted the grave marker one last time, which was rare given the unorthodox methods of his crew, but he respected the fallen loader, he turned and walked back to the tank. Five minutes later he found himself at the Officer's Club, with Cypher buying drinks for him

Second Lieutenant Taiskov "Seanight" White adjusted his respirator as he looked onto where the replacements should be deploying. His breathing controlled, Hellgun primed, watching the green faces march in boot camp proficiency. _'if only they knew the true horrors of the enemy'_ he thought to himself, _"I wonder if Cypher fixed the transmission"_. Before turning around and heading back to the tank, he gave one last look at a particular replacement looking for his crew's tank. He turned and started walking, blood dripping from his greatcoat.

Xavier looked around the compound, the Sergeant Major was very, utterly, hopelessly lost. He was trying to find his new squad but everyone he asked either told him to "Fuck off FNG", "I hope they skin you alive", and most surprisingly "I Swear it wasn't me". It was a very interesting day and he didn't even notice the fact that he stumbled into the O-Club. "HEY NEW FUCKER!" a voice yelled "uh-oh, here we go" Xavier thought, but he found himself in a booth with two twenty-something year olds, the young nineteen year old was very scared, and still hopelessly lost. "So new meat, gotta name?" the blonde lieutenant asked him. "Sir! Command Sergeant Major Xav…" he was cut off with a wave from the brown haired second lieutenant, "look, kid, don't be so formal, I'm Slendy, and this asshole is Cypher" Slendy said. "Watch it cunt" Cypher said aiming a Master Crafted bolt pistol with a revolver chamber at Slendy, who proceeded to punch cypher in the dick… with brass knuckles. While Cypher was recovering from the hit, Xavier handed Slendy his orders, "I'm supposed to find these guys, but nobody's been very helpful. A shadow loomed over Slendy's face, "Cypher, three days and they got a replacement, three fucking days" he said, barely containing a rage that would have made Cypher proud. "What", Cypher asked before crawling back into his seat and looking at the paper, then to Xavier, then to the paper. After several long minutes of silence Cypher finally spoke up "Dammit! Shit! FUCK!". Xavier was very confused but before he could ask what was going on the two men grabbed him, and started dragging him outside, not bothering to make sure not to kick him. He was drug over to a very pink object, he couldn't tell what, and with amazing strength, Cypher picked him up and launched him in the air, the next thing Xavier knew was that he was dangling in the air.

Boss heard them coming, hard not to when the two biggest troublemakers in the battalion are together. Boss looked over to see the driver and coaxial gunner dragging, what appeared to be a scrawny little kid. Cypher threw the kid at Boss who deftly caught him by the scruff of his collar and yelled "YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM NOW!" and grabbed Boss's "Hidden" bottle of Vodka and downed half of it. Before he could yell at cypher he was dumbfounded at the fact that Slendy, who hated hard liquor, downed the rest, then handed him a piece of paper. Seanight looked at boss and said in a gravelly voice that sounded hollow, "well… this is going to be an adventure".

 **THREE DAYS LATER**

Xavier was jostled around the turret of the tank. His helmet hit the turret ring with every bump Cypher drove over. "How much longer till we hit the objective sir?" Xavier asked the young gunner. When he didn't get a response he asked again, only to find out that Silver, was asleep. He looked around the tank, trying to find out what his new crew did, Cypher was obvious to tell, he drove the massive tank with an ease, that Xavier thought, could not be matched. Slendy was playing four games of solitaire at once, not seeming to notice how bouncy the tank was at the time, the assistant driver and battery gunner was just used to this. Seanight was reading the imperial guardsman uplifting primer at his station, perfectly still. His quiet breathing the only noise he made, the former Death Korps Grenadier unnerved Xavier. Silver, the gunner, the second youngest of the crew was asleep, and it seemed to Xavier that's all he did. The Colonel, who told Xavier to call him "Boss" was currently checking orders from higher up, making sure they were going the right way. "Shit", Cypher said bringing the tank to a halt, his words immediately followed by Slendy uttering an oath that disrupted his card game. "What's up?" Boss asked, looking at Cypher. Cypher looked at Boss as said "We're outta gas… and that's the good news." Boss looked worried, whenever Cypher started off like that things were about to go to the warp. "What's the bad news?" He asked, hand reaching for the Vox to radio the Inquisitorial handler assigned to them. Cypher said the absolute worst thing he could have possibly said, "Warp Storms about to hit". The color drained from everybody's face, Seanight looked up from his book, "Fuck" the stoic guardsman said.


	2. A Storm in the Port

_and i'm back honestly didn't even expect to get this far but now we're getting to the good part and it's all a steady coast at the same elevation because i hate hills._

 _disclaimer? welcome to fanfiction_

 _and now on with the story_

 **Chapter one: A Storm in the Port**

 **CYPHER'S POV**

Turns out our handler wanted us back real quick and in a hurry. Something I would have loved to oblige him with but considering we were out of gas and low on time it wasn't going to happen. My anxiety over the storm rose to near hysterical levels, something that would have had my old Watch Master shoot me immediately were I still in the Death Korps. I never did well when the warp was involved; hell I freak out when we jump systems. "Cypher," Slendy said, putting his hand on my shoulder, "They can't get you in the tank, just stay inside and it's going to be okay". I took a deep breath and nodded at him ' _bloody psyker'_ I thought to myself. As I looked behind me to wake up Silver I was pleasantly surprised to find the man awake and getting the new kid to load the guns quickly. "Expecting trouble?" Xavier asks with an honest curiosity Seanight scoffed at. I nodded to Seanight briefly, giving the go ahead for him to tell the story. Seanight's hollow monotone voice, though barely a whisper, echoed through the tank "Kid… we had to calm down Cypher; I can count the number of time we had to do that on one hand and still have four fingers left". Xavier looked at me puzzled and before he could ask the one question you never ask I had him pinned to the wall, bolt pistol to his chin, and four other weapons pointed at me. "Alright new meat, we got some rules in this tank, rule one: Boss's word is law, rule two: treat the crew good and we treat you good rule three: do NOT ASK ME IF IM ALRIGHT!" I yelled and before I could pull the trigger Slendy and Boss pulled me off him. I could hear Boss talking to me, trying to focus me onto something else, Slendy risking sanity and soul to use his psychic powers to calm me down.

 **RATATATATATAATAAATTAAAA**

We all look at Seanight and he is looking at his station, two of the twin linked heavy bolters on the right side of the tank spitting out shells. He calmly looks over at us and says "Contact".

 **Boss's POV**

"Get going maggots I don't know what is happening out there! Slendy give me auspex I want to know what Seanight's shooting" I yelled as cypher jumped into his seat, grabbing his Hellgun in case whoever we're fighting gets too close. "Roger!" Slendy yelled back starting to work the auspex while scanning for targets with the lower turret. I looked over at the kid we just got, and putting on my most motivating voice I could "it's going to be fine kid, just keep the shells flowing okay". He nodded and seemed to work just a tiny bit faster. ' _heh, I still got it'_ I thought. I looked over at Slendy and he gave me a look and grabbed his right temple, making a show of turning his hand into a gun and mocking shooting himself, and making damn sure everybody saw it. "All contacts hostile, we got chaos armor coming in main gun fire at will, secondary gun fire at will, fuck it, we're not moving so fire everything!" I toss open the commander's hatch; grab the exitus rifle given to me by a dying vindicare and started picking off targets.

 **KRA-BOOMBOOM**

There's the first turret firing. The dust kicked up from the blast almost blinds me.

 **KRA-BOOMBOOM**

There's the second turret. The driver's hatch flew open surprising me and Cypher crawled out and scrambled to the back of the tank, dragging a battlecannon shell and a spare lasgun powerpack with him. "The hell are you doing?" I yell over Seanight's four twin lined bolters and four lascannons firing repeatedly. Cypher made it to the engine and pulled the covering off, "Jury rigging some fuel!" he yelled back, taking the shell apart and mixing the propellant with some water and putting the concoction into the engine and then dropping the powerpack in. the tank roared to life, much to my surprise. "HOW?!" I yelled as he crawled back to the driver's hatch. "IT WORKS ON THE BANEBLADES" he responded simply. "THEN GET US OUT OF HERE! " I yelled and cypher booked it, kicking the tank hard to the right, Seanight now only firing the left pintle weapons, Silver turning the top turret, Slendy the bottom.

 **KRA-KRA-BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM**

All four battle cannons rip through the enemy armor. "BLOODTHIRSTER FRONT!" Slendy screams from his station. "FIRE WHEN READY!" I yell back. The turrets swing front, the clunking sound of the shells being loaded resonates from the tank; the firing pins hit the shells. The Bloodthirster swings his axe, and then the warp storm swallowed us all.

 **3** **RD** **PERSON**

Ruby landed with all the grace of a beached whale. "Ooowwwwwww" she said, looking around and rubbing her leg. "Definitely sprained" Ruby said to herself as she crawled to the edge of a building she landed on. "Well, well look what we have here" a voice behind her said, she turned and saw two white fang grunts, one raised his boot and kicked her in the face, knocking her out.

When Ruby came to, she was next to a train. "That would be baaaad" Roman Torchwick was saying. Before he could continue a huge, horribly bright pink object smashed through the train, taking the last three cars off the rails.

 **KRA-KRA-BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM**

And there goes the engine. A man crawls out of the pink thing and is screaming "You won't take me back you bastards! I won't let you!" he pulls out a revolver and starts firing wildly, one shot clipping Roman in the leg, before collapsing.


End file.
